Inhale, and God approaches you. Hold the inhalation, and God remains with you. Exhale, and you approach God. Hold the exhalation, and surrender to God. —Sri Tiramulai Krishnamacharya
It's the eve of the eve of another new year and I am at once empty and full. This past year has brought so many changes my head is spinning. Finally, I feel my life in motion, and it's distinctly in the forward direction. Typically, I embrace New Year's Eve as an opportunity to celebrate — and by celebrate, I mean do a few shots and dance till I drop. This year...same but different. I will be celebrating joyfully, but I have decided to stay home and be quiet. This has been a huge year for me, bringing a whole new community, career and home. As is inevitably necessary when stepping into newness, I've had to let go of many things. More to the point, I've had to abandon old ways of BEING.
In reflecting on all that has come and gone this year, I turned to my journal. From August in Rockland County, where I grew up...I had just had a wonderful weekend reuniting with many of the friends with whom I grew up:
Yesterday was a full-on existential crisis. With my companion gone and the weekend with friends past, I was left in a stupor. Exhausted, hungover, caffeine-deprived, untethered in Rockland County. There is that moment at the end of the exhale when there is emptiness, a void, contracted to nothingness. The release feels good, the letting go, the purge. But the chaos on the way out is uncomfortable, the loss painful and the emptiness terrifying. I could see the structure of my life...my children, my community, my parents, my career my friends all standing by. Reduced to a pulpy substance the way New York seems so easily to do to me, I could see them all, but I couldn't reach them. Thoughts of my daughter's imminent arrival helped me coalesce back into a recognizable form. Motherhood will do that for you. I could hardly show up at JFK in my pulpy puddle form.
And so today I begin the inhale once again. Expansion, regeneration. My old house is gone, and so must be my attachment to it. New selves are waiting for their mother to nurture and grow them.
So here I sit at the conclusion of a momentous year, holding the exhale and doing cartwheels in the space I've created before filling it back up with fresh air.